Marriage has taught me a lot, as apparently I’d been doing a
lot of things wrong prior to taking the plunge. For example, I shouldn’t have
based my tips on the amount of cleavage the waitress shows (The Hooters girls
always got more than 20%) or only did dishes when the cupboards were bare. However,
my worst mistakes were seemingly due to my lack of any fashion sense. I’m left
to wonder how I ever dressed myself, as I failed with even the most basic of
necessities. I’ll spare you the debriefing on underwear choices and instead
focus on socks.
I really never knew how important socks were to an ensemble,
as long as no hole was visible, all was good. So I thought. I was able to mask
my deficiency of sock knowledge through the colder months, but once it became
warm enough to wear shorts then my inadequacies were fully exposed. As if my
ghostly white legs weren’t bad enough, my tube socks made it worse. Yes, much
like my letter man coat from high school, I was forced to part with my
collection of tube socks. While I miss my grandmothers daily, it’s a blessing
they are departed because I’d never be able to explain why they could no longer
get me tube socks for Christmas.
Apparently the truth is size does matter. The good news is,
the smaller the better. You know what they say about men with big feet…small
socks. Yes, socks so small, they are called ‘No Shows’ are the must haves for
men to be fashionably acceptable, especially when wearing shorts. Is that a
surprise to anyone but me?
In my defense, I’m not totally clueless in the field of socks.
I know not to wear any size of black sock while wearing shorts. Also, it’s
suggested that the tube socks not be pulled up all the way to the knee. Take my
word for it, trust me, you will be laughed at. Mid-calf is also widely believed
to be too high, as is even mid-ankle.
My legs aren’t very long, I’ve never been told, ‘You must be
a basketball player,’ and I’ve also been advised against wearing short shorts.
(That was an awkward conversation) A person need not be a fashion designer to
know that if your shorts reaches your knees, then your socks are kept below
knee-level. I typically kept my socks rolled down to an inch or two above the
ankle, low enough that I wouldn’t look silly…Wrong! I even made sure the top
stripe matched my shirt. I never want my colors to clash!The first really warm day of the year, I broke out my shorts and rolled down my socks…red shirt, green striped socks (in the spirit of Christmas) and the wife was instantly ready to go shopping for socks. Before she’d go out to dinner with me that night, there was a quick trip to the store. I then received my first pair of ‘no show’ socks, with the warning to still not wear them with sandals or boat/deck/loafer shoes. My reaction to wearing them is similar to my feelings on G-Strings, why even bother? It’s all hanging out to see anyway.
It has been an adjustment, I feel so exposed, and my ankles have been freezing. The ankles must be the thermostat for the entire body. I suppose it’s just part of what it takes to be in style, or at least from below the ankle.
