Fears of Parenthood

While the joys of having a child are plentiful, there’s also some concerns. Being born into a world where Hillary Clinton could be President is scary enough, but believe it or not, there’s some fears that run even deeper. Besides, who knows what Hillary’s health will be in five more months? Though it’s much more fun to focus on the positives, the negatives of being a parent must not be ignored.

The whole changing diapers thing is enough for its own future blog entry, but along the same lines of grossness, is all the puke there will be to clean up. Baby Woody already has two strikes against it, as both Jessica and I threw-up a lot while growing up. Yes, it’s normal for infants to spit-up, but we had volcanic like eruptions into our teen years (at least I did). I started taking an extra pair of clothes to elementary school, just so my Mom wouldn’t have to bring them after I lost my lunch. The clinic had her on speed dial, before speed dial was even invented. As for Jessica, she could barely go for a car ride around the block without getting sick. If the baby inherits that trait, we’ll have to pull over a lot, because though we both have gotten a lot better, we still have a bad gag reflex when we hear/see someone else vomit. It will be a chain reaction, if one of us throws-up, the other will soon follow. It will be an endless cycle of cleaning up barf. We better start stocking up on the Lysol now.

I have a confession to make, it’s very personal and I try not to talk about it, but I’ve kept it buried inside long enough. From the outside I may look normal, or at least somewhat close to it, but not all ailments can be seen. For years I’ve suffered from a serious case of being absolutely terrible at video games. From Pac-Man to Call of Duty, I last for about two minutes before all my lives are gone. It makes no difference if it’s at an arcade, on a home gaming system, a hand held device or on a computer, the results are always the same. With how kids start playing on their electronics at such a young age now, Baby Woody will be two and already past me on Candy Crush. How embarrassing will it be, when the child is still in diapers and beats me at every video game? Their first words will probably be, ‘No Daddy, push B!”

If we play outside the results are likely not to be much better. If it’s a girl, I can at least teach her how to throw like a girl. Either way, boy or girl, we will never be able to play catch, but rather pick it up. Not to brag, but I was always pretty good on the swings, so we’ll have to spend lots of time on the swing set, where I can both swing and push! Just no monkey bars though.

Gone are the days where a quick exit is possible, as I’ll no longer be able to go anywhere without being able to fit everything I need in my pockets. I’ll have to start loading up about ten minutes earlier now. Will never be on time again. I’ll need to pack the diaper bag, toys, stroller, blanket, bottles, food, etc. and hopefully remember the baby.

There will be no more peaceful meals, when out to eat, as soon as I cut into my steak (okay chicken nuggets), the baby will start crying, after having thrown hundreds of cheerios on the floor, and the surrounding diners give us dirty looks. I start shoving the food into my mouth quickly, not even tasting it. Then Baby Woody spits up, which causes me to lose everything I just inhaled, then we really get the dirty looks. We need to rush out before Jessica adds to the vomit, but we have to get the diaper bag, toys, stroller etc…etc…oh the joys of parenting.

The good will by far outweigh the bad, especially if Baby Woody takes after its mother more than its father.

Secret Joys of Parenthood

There are many positive blessings that come from having a baby; such as the warmth of their smile, a love stronger than anything ever known, and personal fulfillment of having created a human life. However, there are some less deep aspects of being a parent that I’m really excited about it.

First, without any shame or fear of getting caught, I can watch Sesame Street again. I never felt comfortable watching it on my own in fear that someone may find out, even with the volume turned really low, the risk was just too great. I didn’t want to be seen watching a show that’s geared for young children and provide further reasoning for my mental development to be questioned. It’s been so long since I’ve visited Sesame Street that I miss the witty banter between Bert & Ernie, Oscar’s put-downs, and Grover’s lessons on near/far plus over/under. Are Big Bird and Snuffleupagus still even friends? There’s been a huge void in my life without Sesame Street. I’m also hoping that maybe The Count can help teach me this new age style of doing Math as I’m totally clueless. I struggle enough with the old way. There’s also a whole new collection of children’s programming that I’m anxious to start watching, as me and the little one find new favorites. Thankfully Mr. Rogers Neighborhood is available on Netflix as no child of mine will go through adolescence without visiting the Neighborhood of Make Believe and learning the catch-phrase ‘Speedy Delivery…Speedy Delivery.’

Another bonus of having a child is amusement parks become much more appealing again. I will now be allowed onto the ‘kiddie rides’ rather than getting denied while preparing to board. When they ask, ‘Do you have a child to ride with?’ I will proudly state, ‘Yes, I do.’ No more getting laughed at for trying to get on the ‘kiddie coasters’ by myself. As long as I can fit in the seat, I’ll be ready to go, and maybe even let go and raise my hands up in the air. In addition, I can also go to Chuck E. Cheese again, it’s been way too long.

Though very young, babies can serve multiple purposes, such as a perfect exit strategy or an excuse to not even go. When grandma starts to tell the same story for the third time in an hour or when the aunts and uncles start to compare scars from their surgeries it’s the perfect opportunity to change the diaper or put him/her down for a nap. It will be easy to come up with a reason to excuse myself for a few minutes while with the baby, verses always having to claim I had to go to the bathroom.

I love the baby already, I won’t have to sit through any classical piano recitals because of it, as I can just say that the baby wasn’t feeling well that day. If asked over to yet another family gathering, and the finale of Big Brother is on the same night, then the baby has just been really cranky and would be better off just staying in.  

From the McDonald’s Playhouses to shopping in the toy aisles, being a parent is sure to bring lots of joys.