Scents of a Woman

  The task seemed simple enough, as it was assigned to me with a little bit of reluctance. A lot weighed on my ability to succeed as anything less than perfection would mean total discomfort for my wife. She was putting her entire well being into my hands with the trust that I bought her the right kind of deodorant. Those who are thinking, nothing to it, are like me and had never shopped for a woman’s deodorant before.

Personally, any brand or deodorant is fine with me, as I forget to put it on half the time anyway. Plus, when I sweat, really sweat there’s no protection strong enough to keep me from stinking anyway. However, my wife prides herself on always having a fresh scent and is very particular about her underarm freshener. The details I was given were very specific; Degree Expert, Fresh Energy Protection and Motion Sense, must all be written on the container. Not even I could screw up with those directions…Wrong.

Just like with everything else, the options for types of deodorant has become overwhelming. Once finding the right aisle, after rushing through the feminine hygiene section, I began to feel dizzy.
The rows of different kids on deodorant appeared endless, and that’s just the Degree brand. There is deodorant that offers protection for eight hours, athletes, sitting at a computer all day, housewives and everything else you can imagine. There was everything, except of course, what I was looking for. There wasn’t anything that had ‘Degree expert’ on it. I looked and looked for about 15 minutes, which seemed like an eternity, and was then sent a savior. Well, actually a friend who is technologically savvy and who has been married before so understood the weight of the dilemma I was under. He’s now divorced, in part because of one to many failed trips to the store.

After looking with our four eyes, actually eight because we both wear glasses, neither of us could still find the right deodorant. Maybe its called Degree, because you need a PHD in order to locate it. My friend then pulls out his iphone and Google’s the exact type of deodorant we are looking for. According to the internet, so it must be true, it does exist. At this point the missing Malaysian plane would be easier to find than Degree Expert. He then goes to the Wal Mart site and looks for the item, the records indicate that it’s in stock. The search then intensifies as he zooms in on the picture to read the bar code number. Did I mention my friends works for the CIA?

Finally, we are able to find a match with the bar code numbers, but the bottle now has a new look. All the descriptive wording such as Degree Expert and Motion Sense has been changed. No wonder I couldn’t find it. It may have took nearly an hour, but I was at least comfortable with the knowledge I had successfully completed the task and my wife could be proud of me.

It’s a good thing I know now what to look for because I’ll be going back again soon for some more, because all she said when I presented the deodorant to her was, “You only got one? I usually get four at a time.”

A Sunday Habit

Along with going to church and having an afternoon nap, usually not at the same time, my Sundays now have an additional habit. Some members from the cast of the national touring production of “Sister Act: The Musical” provides some heavenly delight with their weekly offering of #SIC or Sunday Intermission Cover. It’s a couple minutes of pure entertainment that I look forward to every week.

There’s no let-up in cast members Ashley Moniz (Sister Mary Robert), Chris Cooke (Ensemble), Tad Wilson (Joey), and occasionally others who every Sunday during the 15 minute intermission record a favorite cover song. The video is posted online with the hash tag SIC and is quickly spread amongst their fans. Covers they have done include “Wake Me Up” and of course the very popular “Let it Go.” I’m sure it’s just a matter of time until “Happy” is added to the list.

Those who have seen “Sister Act: The Musical” are well aware of the talented voices involved and #SIC is a further opportunity to enjoy them. Their vocal range is impressive and likely strong enough to part the Red Sea. The videos are just a few minutes long, but in addition to their savory voices, a laugh or two is always sure to be included. Their efforts deserve praise as rather than using the intermission to catch their breath, they continue to entertain.

I was fortunate to see “Sister Act: The Musical,” earlier this year when it Dayton, and am grateful for the opportunity to still enjoy the talents contained within the show. It all didn’t end when the curtain closed, as #SIC  provides an encore. Seriously, how many shows can you say that about?
These devoted actors care enough about their audience to reach out to them on a weekly basis and keep spreading cheer.

One of the major players in #SIC is Ashley Moniz, its appropriate she’s playing a nun because her voice is angelic. Her spirit is also as sweet as the music she makes. Chris Cooke and Tad Wilson are equally gifted and appear to be as endearing off stage as they are on.

Whether you have seen “Sister Act: The Musical” or not, I suggest making #Sic part of your Sunday habit. I’ll even get you started. Click Here.

My Oscar Picks (and nominations)

While I consider myself a movie buff, it seems every year at Oscar time the movies nominated are all ones I haven’t seen. It’s rather obvious that my tastes in films greatly differs from that of the esteemed Academy. Seriously, would the average movie-goer pick to see “We’re the Millers” or “Philomena?” I’ve never heard of “Philomena” either, but it’s nominated for Best Picture.
For my Oscar predictions I decided to judge on only the movies I’ve seen this year, which I think would also make for a more entertaining telecast.

Best Actor: Adam Sandler - Grown Ups 2
                  Steve Carrell-  The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
                  Will Ferrell- Anchorman 2
                  James Franco - This is the End
                  Johnny Knoxville- Bad Grandpa

    The Winner: Johnny Knoxville (Bad Grandpa) - His portrayal of an elderly gentleman, more like a dirty old fart deserves recognition. He was playing someone at least twice his age, with much emotional range. In what other movie will you see someone’s explosive gas leave a splattering of fecal matter on the wall of a restaurant?  I bet Matthew McConaughey doesn’t do anything like that in “Dallas Buyers Club.”

Best Actress: Jennifer Aniston - We’re The Millers
No contest, the strip tease scene in the warehouse is worthy of the Oscar all on its own, but she’s good in the rest of the movie too. Sorry, Meryl Streep, better luck next year.

Best Supporting Actor: Zach Galifanakis- Hangover III
                                    Danny McBride - This is the End
                                    Woody Harrelson - Now You See Me
                                     Nick Offerman- We’re the Millers
                                     Steve Carrell - Anchorman 2

The Winner: A tough race, but the edge goes to Nick Offerman in “We’re the Millers” based on the Joe Morgan reference and for his work on “Parks and Recreation.”

Best Supporting Actress: Melissa McCarthy - The Heat
                                       Kate Winslet - Movie 43
                                       Sandra Bullock- The Heat
                                       Allison Janney:  The Way, Way Back
                                       Anna Faris-  Movie 43

The Winner: A little seen movie, but a good one and Allison Janney is hilarious in it, especially when talking about her lazy eyed son.

Best Director: Who really cares? Other than Spieldberg, Scorcese or Woody Allen…name me a director. No cheating.

Best Picture: Hangover III
                    We’re the Miller’s
                     Bad Grandpa
                     Movie 43
                     Anchorman 2
The Winner is: It’s a tight race between “Bad Grandpa” and “We’re the Miller’s” as they both had me in near tears from laughing; but since it had more of a plot (and that’s pretty important) I’ll crown “We’re the Millers.”



                    

Not Another Personality Quiz!

Honestly, I’ve never touched crystal-meth, sold a single drug or even passed a Chemistry test yet I seemingly have the personality of Walter White. At least that’s the result I got from the personality quiz that matched me with a character from “Breaking Bad.” I’ve learned a lot about myself lately as I apparently also have the same internal make-up as Cinderella. From the Disney Princesses I always thought of myself as more of Snow White type, due to my fascination with dwarves.

The latest craze seemingly seems to be taking these online personality quizzes that matches you with a television character. There must be a quiz for every show that has ever aired, both old and new, from “Andy Griffith” to the “Walking Dead.” People have compared me to a zombie before, without even knowing how close to the truth they really were. The number of such quizzes I’ve seen posted really has become humorous, as every day it’s something new. I just saw one for “Whitney,” and I don’t think anyone even watched it. It was on for like three weeks.

It’s just not television either, movies are also involved and theirs quizzes that compares your personality to Presidents. Of course Bush gets blamed for any negative results. I got Obama but that’s only because I lied on all of my answers. There’s even a quiz that reveals what U.S state you are best suited to live in. Guess I should move to Iowa, am I really that boring?

I still don’t understand how questions like, ‘What’s my favorite food?’ and ‘Favorite city to visit?’ determines what ‘Golden Girl’ I’m most like. I don’t need a quiz to tell me that I’m getting old, my aching bones and liter of prune juice in the refrigerator already makes me aware of that.

I think I’ve taken my last quiz, especially after I got Cameron on the “Modern Family” version. Not that theirs anything wrong that..Hmmmm, I wonder if I have the personality of George or Kramer?

No School...Again!

WARNING: This post concerns a sensitive topic and it’s not my intention to raise anyone’s blood pressure or make any more enemies…so proceed with a good attitude. However, a sign of a good work is an emotional response from the public so if you blow a gasket, I guess I did my job. Just don’t complain to me about it!

All through life, or at least the first twenty plus years of it, we are told of the tremendous worth of education. Nothing should ever prevent us from receiving a high quality education, unless of course…there’s a couple inches of snow on the ground. In that case, school is closed and it’s a day to protect young children from the elements. Remember, I warned you…and I do tend to exaggerate to make for better reading.

We are well into February and the local schools here have yet to have a week without at least one snow day in all of 2014. They’ve had more vacation days than Obama. Yes, it has been unseasonably cold and I understand the dangers of frostbite but when a sixth grader begins to crave school pizza its time to get back to class. The best thing about snow days should be that they are rare treats, not the standard. It’s a wonder the television stations didn’t list the schools that were open rather than those closed. Maybe I was wrong, but I always thought that the opportunity to learn some reading and arithmetic was worth having to put a pair of gloves on.

Some of the same parents who are likely to not even know the names of all their children’s teachers become deeply invested in their youngster’s scholastic efforts when they have to get themselves to school on a blistery morning. Trust me, I’m not heartless, I adore children and would never wish anything ill upon them, but I believe they are capable of arriving safely at school if the temperature is below freezing. Parents complain about their little ones having to be outside for an extended amount of time to wait on the bus, but then post pictures of the family out sledding. I guarantee the time spent out playing in the snow is much longer than any child would have spent getting to and from school.

I understand and support days of no school when it’s snowing and the roads are in bad condition, but I struggle with when its called due to just being really cold. Seriously, how long would most students have to actually spend outside? Long enough to throw away an entire school day?
Most days on which there has been school there was a two hour delay, which are pretty much wasted days. The periods are shortened, leaving little time to accomplish much, plus lunch.

It really makes no difference to me, I don’t have any kids, and I stay in myself when it’s really cold. I’m just trying to warm you all up by getting your blood boiling…your welcome.

Roxy & Me

My life was forever changed on 9-08-13, my wedding day, as it started a relationship filled with more love than I ever expected.  As  “with thus ring” I became a first time dog owner. There’s been some ups and downs, as unfortunately the honeymoon really doesn’t last forever, but I’m certain that Roxy loves me like no other.

I’d never been a dog lover, actually I kind of despised the four legged creatures, though they always seemed especially fond of me. Every dog I encountered seemed to have a lustful desire for my leg or at least liked to lick me, within just minutes after meeting. I however wanted no part of it, even if they were really cute, as my distaste for dogs was so strong that I refused to read the comic ‘Marmaduke.’ Yet here I was, not only gaining a wife, but also her dog.

It however didn’t take long to realize that Roxy and I are meant to be together. She gives me a tremendous amount of self worth and adoration, by following me wherever I go. Of course that’s largely because it’s never known when I might drop some food. It’s comforting to know though that Roxy enjoys being right at my side. She even waits anxiously outside the door when I’m in the bathroom, no matter the stench, while from the other room the Mrs. yells, ‘Don’t forget to spray.’

I never expected to be someone who  received personal gratification from a dog’s greeting, but Roxy’s level of excitement when I get home is extremely rewarding. Whether I’ve been gone twenty minutes or three hours, she is so glad to see me, especially if she needs to be let out.
Another great thing about dogs is they are quick to forgive and forget (if only wives were like that), as I can yell at Roxy for being up on the couch and all it takes is a little petting and it’s like nothing ever happened. Thankfully there’s also no worries of Roxy ever bringing up any of my past transgressions.

Like in all relationships, it’s the little things that mean a lot and have clawed a special place in my heart for Roxy. When I’m watching television she comes to sit beside me and if I stop petting her, she stares until I start again and then looks away. She won’t go out in the morning unless I get up out of bed to do it, even if the Mrs. tries first. And there’s not much cuter than when she slightly tilts her head as if listening intently when I tell her something, of course she only does it half the time.

The magic words of, ‘Want to go for a walk?’ sends Roxy into a state of near euphoria. She jumps around with reckless abandon and then runs circles around me while I get prepared. I’ve yet to say or do anything that gets such an excited reaction from the wife, definitely not asking to walk.

 I’m not always the best husband or dog owner, they both let me know that in their own way. For the longest time I never thought I would ever hold either position, but now I can’t imagine life without my wife or Roxy. They have forever changed me and also gave me an appreciation of ‘Marmaduke.’





downs, as unfortunately the honeymoon really doesn’t last forever, but I’m certain that Roxy loves me like no other.

My dream interview with Mick Foley

Despite being all bruised and battered (actually in part because of) Mick Foley’s body of work is one that I greatly admire. Strangely enough even more than Jennifer Aniston’s, though for totally different reasons. As a professional wrestler Foley was better known as Mankind, Cactus Jack and Dude Love. He’s a member of the WWE Hall of Fame and a number one New York Times best-selling author. He’s a legend in the wrestling industry, the Hardcore Legend to be exact, but his talents stretch way beyond the squared circle.

It wasn’t the headlocks or body slams that made Foley a favorite wrestler of mine; but his character development. Some refer to pro wrestling as a male soap opera, and if that’s the case then Foley as Mankind and his multiple other personalities was the leading man. His performances as a deranged individual who thrived on pain were masterful. Foley created compelling television whether you’re a wrestling fan or not, at least I think so. I’m a wrestling fan so I wouldn’t know for sure. He was willing to do anything…ANYTHING to entertain the audience, with little or no concern of the physical toll it took on his body. Foley would break through flaming tables, wrap himself in barbed wire or fall into mound of thumbtacks to make sure nobody went home disappointed.

Due to Foley’s many accomplishments, I hold him in high regard, which is why it was such a thrill to have the opportunity to interview him. I’ve watched countless hours of him on television, read all of his books and admittedly have a picture of him in my room. He’s sold-out arenas all across the world, been interviewed by the likes of Katie Couric (twice), and mind you is a New York Times best selling author so, why would Mick Foley ever talk to me? Who am I? I’m a small town boy who covers senior citizen luncheons and high school plays. I watch the national networks, not talk to people whose been on them.

Another factor of Foley’s career that made him so appealing was being relatable to the common man. He grew up with dreams of being a wrestling superstar, but didn’t exactly have the body for it. To make up for his lack of physical prowess, Foley learned how to absorb lots of physical punishment. If he could make his dreams come true and become a WWE world heavyweight champion, anyone could achieve their highest aspirations.

I’m far from a prolific writer, and am below poverty level because I can’t abandon the dream of one day becoming a successful writer. By giving me just a few minutes of his time, Mick Foley made me feel like a champion.

Here it is: Mick Foley Interview