Sock it to me! Size Matters. Tube vs. No Shows

Marriage has taught me a lot, as apparently I’d been doing a lot of things wrong prior to taking the plunge. For example, I shouldn’t have based my tips on the amount of cleavage the waitress shows (The Hooters girls always got more than 20%) or only did dishes when the cupboards were bare. However, my worst mistakes were seemingly due to my lack of any fashion sense. I’m left to wonder how I ever dressed myself, as I failed with even the most basic of necessities. I’ll spare you the debriefing on underwear choices and instead focus on socks.

I really never knew how important socks were to an ensemble, as long as no hole was visible, all was good. So I thought. I was able to mask my deficiency of sock knowledge through the colder months, but once it became warm enough to wear shorts then my inadequacies were fully exposed. As if my ghostly white legs weren’t bad enough, my tube socks made it worse. Yes, much like my letter man coat from high school, I was forced to part with my collection of tube socks. While I miss my grandmothers daily, it’s a blessing they are departed because I’d never be able to explain why they could no longer get me tube socks for Christmas.

Apparently the truth is size does matter. The good news is, the smaller the better. You know what they say about men with big feet…small socks. Yes, socks so small, they are called ‘No Shows’ are the must haves for men to be fashionably acceptable, especially when wearing shorts. Is that a surprise to anyone but me?

In my defense, I’m not totally clueless in the field of socks. I know not to wear any size of black sock while wearing shorts. Also, it’s suggested that the tube socks not be pulled up all the way to the knee. Take my word for it, trust me, you will be laughed at. Mid-calf is also widely believed to be too high, as is even mid-ankle.

My legs aren’t very long, I’ve never been told, ‘You must be a basketball player,’ and I’ve also been advised against wearing short shorts. (That was an awkward conversation) A person need not be a fashion designer to know that if your shorts reaches your knees, then your socks are kept below knee-level. I typically kept my socks rolled down to an inch or two above the ankle, low enough that I wouldn’t look silly…Wrong! I even made sure the top stripe matched my shirt. I never want my colors to clash!

The first really warm day of the year, I broke out my shorts and rolled down my socks…red shirt, green striped socks (in the spirit of Christmas) and the wife was instantly ready to go shopping for socks. Before she’d go out to dinner with me that night, there was a quick trip to the store. I then received my first pair of ‘no show’ socks, with the warning to still not wear them with sandals or boat/deck/loafer shoes. My reaction to wearing them is similar to my feelings on G-Strings, why even bother? It’s all hanging out to see anyway.

It has been an adjustment, I feel so exposed, and my ankles have been freezing. The ankles must be the thermostat for the entire body. I suppose it’s just part of what it takes to be in style, or at least from below the ankle.

 

 

19 Kids and Kill Me

The mere thought of ever having more children than can fit in a mini-van is beyond my realm of reason, so I consider the Duggars to be certifiably insane. From the reality series ’19 Kids and Counting’ rather than ’19 Kids and Kill Me’ the Duggars have more offspring than I have friends. (At least all my friends can fit in a mini-van, or a Volkswagen) However, it’s not their fertility that I find most unique about the family, but their strict rules on courting. (Courting is dating with the intent to marry…I had to Google what the difference between dating and courting is)

Until recently I had never watched an episode of ’19 Kids and Counting,’ which airs on TLC (there’s no little people in the Duggar family…yet), but been keeping up with Jill and Jessa’s relationships and eventual weddings. I assume there really are 19 kids, I’ve only seen about half of them as the shows focus has been on the sisters who got married within the same year.

The Duggars are a wholesome, religious family with strong morals, (Did you ever know anyone named Jim Bob ‘Dad’ whose mean?) who clearly don’t believe in birth control. Also Michelle ‘Mom’ must never have headaches at night. I respect their code of ethics, but think the family could loosen up in some area. Under the direction of their parents, both Jill and Jessa were kissed for the first time at their wedding. Throughout their courtships they never kissed, not even a quick peck goodnight…on the cheek even. Makes you wonder what they did on their dates, must have actually talked the whole time and paid attention to whatever movie they watched together….BORING! I understand waiting until marriage to consummate the relationship, but to not even kiss seems a little extreme.

They not only hadn’t kissed, but also never had a full front to front hug or held hands. The thought of marrying someone who I’ve had less physical contact with than I’ve had with relatives seems foreign to me. I don’t think I could do it. When with the one you love it’s hard enough to wait until it’s time to say goodnight (or until the third date) to have that first kiss, to wait until marriage seems unnecessarily cruel. Plus, what if they are a terrible kisser or has chronic bad breath?

If the no kissing wasn’t bad enough (Yes, I’ll have an onion on my hamburger), there also had to be a chaperone on each of their dates. Someone had to make sure nothing inappropriate happened. Imagine being 22 and needing to have a parent in the backseat while at the drive-in. Never being able to have a private personal conversation with your soulmate. How can you prepare for marriage when you are never alone together? The Duggars also intercepted every text message sent between the couples. Prisoners have more freedom.

I do understand wanting to protect from the dangers of physical relations before marriage, but I think the Duggars take it to the extreme. There can be a rush to the altar, if for no other reason, than to be able to kiss. Marriage is a serious commitment, which couples need to be ready for, the real challenges start after that first kiss is had.

 

 

 

 

The Genius of Trivia Crack

At times I think about going for my Master’s degree and then my Doctorate, perhaps in one of the Sciences, as I feel very intelligent after winning at Trivia Crack. The thoughts however are short lived as then I get beat by a fifteen year old. As I learned in high school, multiple choice questions mixed with just a little luck, can raise my normal level of intelligence. It is addicting to feel smart, I wonder what it would be like to feel that way all of the time? Maybe if I keep playing Trivia Crack I’ll eventually find out.

The ‘It’ game on Facebook seems to go in cycles, at first it was Mafia Wars, and then everyone turned into farmers with Farmtown or Farmville. Society soon learned that farming was hard work, requiring lots of time and effort so then Candy Crush came along. Now it’s Trivia Crack, I wonder how long it will be popular as Americans don’t always like to think, especially while on Facebook. (Why else would people sign their name to their comments, it’s not like writing a letter)

I think a major attraction to Trivia Crack is that feeling of accomplishment when a question is answered correctly, like when watching Jeopardy. I believe that some easy questions are thrown in once and awhile to keep the simpletons interested. I even manage to get some Geography questions right and I don’t even know north from south. My best categories are Entertainment, Sports and Arts as the more academic subjects; History, Geography and Science are challenging. If I knew the material would be useful in an online game I would have paid more attention during those classes in school. Guess the teachers weren’t lying when they said its information we would use in life. In addition to the softball questions, I’m also convinced that a series of real brain busters are also occasionally thrown in to keep everyone level headed. Also, I’m not sure about the validity of the spinning wheel, there are some rounds where it consistently lands on the Crown and others in which its magnetized to just my three worst subjects.

It’s the little things in life that bring such great pleasure, such as beating your friend who is an electrical engineer at Trivia Crack. It must stink to be that smart, but not know what two Kardashian sisters take over the Hamptons. Beware though as the game also comes with the risk of much heartache as there’s not much worse than losing a game without getting a single crown, trophy, icon, character or whatever they are called. Zero out of six. At least let me earn the popcorn bucket trophy as a consolation prize.  I begin to feel guilty when it appears that I could possibly be giving someone the shutout treatment. I don’t want to send them into a deep depression. It’s an unwritten rule to allow your opponent to get some trophies, even if it means missing questions intentionally, or at least when you are playing me.

Without an actual book of conduct for Trivia Crack, there are several areas I question, such as how many consecutive times should you beat an opponent before trying your hardest to let them win one? Seriously, a few lucky guesses and anyone can taste victory. I have no idea what DNA stands for, but by guessing C every time, my chances of having the right answer rises substantially. I’ve won an entire game by using that theory, along with B being the answer to every third question. In a world where friendships can be lost over the content of posts, repeatedly defeating someone who is highly educated is grounds for war.

Also, what’s the protocol on asking someone to play again? The winner gets the first opportunity, so if they don’t ask, do you just move on? Maybe they didn’t feel challenged enough or felt too threatened. I don’t like asking, because I know how irritated people are by receiving game requests.

If I retained everything I’ve learned from Trivia Crack, I would be a genius, or at least above normal intelligence, but everything is forgotten by the next question. It’s really unfortunate, because some questions get repeated. The only substantial knowledge I’ve gained that will forever stick with me from playing Trivia Crack is not to drool over Kate Upton in the Game of War ads when my wife is in the room. Whoever designed those ads is the real genius.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A dream made true: Cheering for the Buckeyes

(Article originally appeared in the Tippecanoe Gazette)

It was a dream season for The Ohio State University, who were crowned the National Champions of college football. The championship was the pinnacle of a lifelong dream of Taylor Rudy, whose been living a fairytale as a cheerleader for the Buckeyes. From her spot on the sidelines, Rudy’s spirit helped propel the football team to have one of history’s most magical years.

Rudy, a 2011 graduate of Tippecanoe High School, is fulfilling a goal she set for herself as a child. In the eighth grade, her teacher passed around cards to the class with some general questions on them, including, ‘what is your life dream?’ Rudy’s answer was to be an Ohio State cheerleader. “My teacher laminated those cards, and I kept it growing up. I brought that card to tryouts with me, and I still have it sitting on my desk at school. It’s an incredible feeling to know you are truly living out your childhood and lifelong dream,” she said.

The entire season was filled with obstacles for the team, including an injury at the start of the season to the quarterback, Braxton Miller. To ever reach the championship game seemed nearly impossible. “I’m a very optimistic person, and I had faith in the Buckeyes that we would still have a great season, but the National Championship game is something any team would pray for. Let alone a team that overcame as many adversities as this team did,” said Rudy.

The Sugar Bowl, against Alabama is regarded as one of the most nerve wracking games that Rudy has ever cheered for. When the final buzzer hit zero, the seemingly impossible feat had been made true. The Ohio State Buckeyes would forever be the first to compete in a National Championship game after being victorious in the playoffs.

At the championship game, held in Arlington, Texas; Rudy was enamored by the raucous crowd in such an enormous arena.  Her dream was at the absolute ultimate level of reality. “I kept stopping and looking around, it’s such a crazy feeling when you realize you are currently experiencing one of the most memorable days of your life,” said Rudy. “I’m so honored to be a part of this season and these memories.”

A fourth year Psychology major, with a minor in Business and Criminology; Rudy and all the other cheerleaders must tryout each year. A spot is never guaranteed. Tryouts are a weekend long and held in the spring. While a senior at Tipp, Taylor attended her first tryout, which was very intimidating. She however felt comforted by the other competitors who showed support, despite going for the same limited spot.

While Rudy values all the physical aspects of being a cheerleader, it’s the memories that she cherishes most. Engrained within her forever are the times spent standing in the end zone while the drum major leads Script Ohio, witnessing every touchdown and basket from the front row, traveling to countless places, and standing in front of the student section during the Alma Mater. In addition to the sports related activities, the cheerleaders are also considered as ambassadors of the university. They attend hundreds of events a year with alumni, administration and fans. “I’ve had the opportunity to spend time with countless less fortunate or sick children, seeing the way their faces light up when you hand them your pom poms or Brutus walks into the room is priceless,” she said.

Of course, nothing compares to game day at The Shoe, where Rudy cheers in front of 108,000 fans. She feeds off the energy from one of the country’s greatest crowds. However, it’s the personal encounters that gives her much joy. “One of my favorite things is meeting little girls in cheerleading uniforms. The way they look at you is indescribable, it’s an honor to know that just by bending down and talking to them you can make their day,” said Rudy.

With all the joys of being a cheerleader also comes some hardships. Due to the time commitment, including early morning practices, Rudy misses spending time with friends and stays up late to finish homework, which means getting further behind on sleep. She wouldn’t have it any other way though. “The hardest part about being a cheerleader is the moment you realize it doesn’t last forever. It really makes you want to take advantage of every second,” she said.

When all the odds were against them during the season, nobody ever expected the Buckeyes would end up National Champions. As an eighth grader, not everyone believed that Rudy would someday fulfill her dream of being an Ohio State cheerleader. The team or she ever gave up. “All your dreams can come true if you have the courage to pursue them. Trying out for Ohio State cheerleading was one of the most intimidating moments of my life, but I’m so glad I did it. Stepping out of your own comfort zone is one of the greatest things you can do for yourself. I can’t imagine how different my life would be if I hadn’t stepped out of mine,” said Rudy.

 

A pre-eulogy to Uncle Dick

Rather than share his eulogy, which I’ve had written for about five years, I’ll instead give my Uncle Dick some praise while he’s still amongst the living. I’m inspired to do so today, after attending his retirement service this morning from 65 years in the ministry. His total number of retirements is more than the amount of Americans that died from Ebola. The Dick VanTine virus though has spread all across the country, infecting the lives of all he’s touched with a tremendous amount of warmth and God’s love.

I don’t know of anyone who leaves such a lasting impression upon everyone he meets like Uncle Dick does. He can enter room filled with 500 people and by the end of the night, each individual will be made to feel special by Uncle Dick. He has a true gift of connecting with people, of all ages, from young children to whom he says, ‘Shake my hand,’ to those who are even older than he is. Others may try his methods of connecting with others and end up with a black eye, but Uncle Dick has a way of asking a complete stranger, ‘Do you feel as bad as you look?’ and gain a new friend.

Uncle Dick is far from the White House, though he lives in a neighborhood with more crooks than are in D.C and am willing to bet he’s positively affected more lives than a number of Presidents, Obama for sure. Through his years in ministry, not to mention his years of working with children’s services, Uncle Dick has literally saved lives and directed many onto the right path and instilled within them the confidence to do great things. He’s the master of building personal relationships with everyone. We all like to feel like we matter, and that’s what Uncle Dick does so well. He forms personal connections.

Anyone whose single has been asked by Uncle Dick, “Give me a full report.” He’s always interested in the search for a person’s spouse. The true test of a relationship is having your date meet Uncle Dick. In his own unique way, he’d interrogate and then start asking about a wedding date. He’s performed over 3,000 weddings, and I’m proud to be one of them.

My dad often says about Uncle Dick, “He gave it all away,” Uncle Dick has never been able to stand being ahead. He never cared about financial gain, only about the riches of proving a good time for others. He’d reach deep into his own pockets to provide things like pool parties while serving the church. As a man whose devoted his life to ministry, I can’t think of anything more appropriate than for Uncle Dick to give it all away. He’s a shining example of Christ, who gave his life for us. Uncle Dick has given so much of himself for us.

He lives for Christ and I witnessed it at church this morning. Uncle Dick is starting to move like an old man. Walking and standing for very long are a struggle, but when the choir began singing one of his favorite songs, he leapt to his feet and led the congregation very spiritedly. Swinging his arms and moving around like a man half his age. My eyes became a little watery and it so awesome to see him be carried by his love of serving Christ.

Despite his 65 years in ministry, I’ve never heard Uncle Dick quote scripture, outside of a church setting. He says the prayer at family gatherings, because as he says, ‘The one who prays eats first,’ especially if corn on the cob is served. He can eat them by the dozen, followed by a whole bowl of candy. Anyway, Uncle Dick spreads his faith by his actions and relationships with others, not by talking about the Bible.

There is so much more that can be said about Uncle Dick, I haven’t even touched the surface. Hopefully we’ll work together to write a book about his life, there’s certainly enough material to fill one. He’s a very special person, and one I very much admire. I fall very short in comparison, but if there’s anyone I’d like to emulate in how he treats others it’s Uncle Dick. Like with so many others, he has made a positive impression on me.

 

 

Shopping is Hard

There’s no wonder that shopping is mostly a woman’s sport, it’s because they are nearly impossible to buy for. That became very clear to me this Christmas, when the Mrs started asking for the receipt before she finished opening each gift. The worst part is, I really thought she would love everything. I had spent hours, or at least minutes, searching for the perfect gift.

It’s often said this time of year that, ‘Giving is better than receiving.’ That must have originated from a wife whose husband shopped for her. To be fair, it’s not all the fault of men, as we wouldn’t dare try and buy our bride clothes. She doesn’t even trust my fashion sense enough to buy clothes for myself. Plus, kitchen appliances are frowned upon as gifts. A toaster doesn’t send the right message, neither does an iron. Women always enjoy getting flowers, but I wrapped a bouquet last year, but they were all dead by Christmas morning when she opened it.

An item from her list was nail polish, seems simple enough…wrong! There is not only 50 shades of grey, but of every other color too. Trying to find a plain red gave me a headache worse than when I smell nail polish remover. The shade of red I picked was to crimson, whatever that means. Plus I only got one bottle, instead of getting two, which would have allowed me to get a third for half price or up to five for 60% off if I had used a coupon. A person almost needs a degree in accounting to understand all the percentages that can be saved. I failed Algebra 101, two times, so the only percentage I understand is 100% (not because it’s what I got on my tests). Unfortunately, I tend to always pay 100% of the sales price.

Another gift the wife asked for was some towels for the bathroom. Again, color choice proved to be my downfall. I selected some puffy, exceptionally absorbent 100% cotton green towels. She hadn’t even felt their softness before saying, “Green? Green? What color is our bathroom?” I had to stop and think for a minute, my focus is usually on my aim or whatever I’m reading while in the bathroom, not on the walls. “Did you think green would go with blue?”…..I’m still trying to figure out the problem.

She had also requested a ‘hot nuts’ scented candle. I got some strange looks when I said, “My wife loves the smell of hot nuts.” One clerk suggested a 50 Shades of Grey candle, as being the closest thing, but I declined. There was nothing that really even resembled hot nuts, so I just got her a jar of peanut butter and offered to microwave it instead of lighting a candle to create the aroma. In hindsight, the 50 Shades candle would have been a better idea.

It’s the thought that counts, right? Even if the thoughts are rather misguided. Next year I think I’ll play it safe and just get gift cards or at least remember to save the receipts

The Tricks of the Treat

I never really understood the meaning of ‘Trick’ in Trick or Treat as everyone  gives out only treats, except for those who distribute pamphlets of pennies, who trick you into thinking you are getting something. Pennies aren’t even enough to cause excitement in young children. However, now that I’m on the giving end of Trick or Treat, I realized that I was tricked into giving candy to many undeserving individuals.

Out of the 200 or more Trick or Treaters I served, much less than half were what I would categorize as legitimate Trick or Treaters. My qualifications for being considered legitimate aren’t very high, only that you are old enough to walk and be dressed in some sort of costume. Isn’t that the true essence of Trick or Treating anyway. It doesn’t need to be an elaborate costume, actually some of the best are simple ones and made from stuff just around the house. Anyone can part their hair and put tape on a pair of glasses to be a nerd (wait that sounds to much like me) or boys can unzip their pants and be Bill Clinton while girls can carry vegetables and be Michelle Obama. There’s to many possibilities for normal everyday clothes to be acceptable. What must their thought process be. ‘Hey, let’s go trick or treating.’….‘But we don’t have costumes.’…‘Who cares, I want candy.’

I always enjoyed going Trick or Treating, and getting enough candy to last until Easter and have the supply get replenished. The fun was taken away one year though when someone said, ‘Aren’t you a little old for this,’ and denied me candy. I went back to my car and had to stop crying before I drove home. I had grown a real beard and everything to be an authentic looking pirate.

One of the joys of Halloween is seeing little kids in their costumes, but when they have to pushed in their strollers and are asleep, they are just being used for mom and dad to score some candy. Some parents don’t even bother to put the bucket in the babies lap and just carry it themselves. No sense trying to fool anybody. One mother was even breast feeding her child when they approached, thankfully I had some Milk Duds. Next year, rather than candy I think I’m just going to buy a case of baby food.

There can be a lot of stress involved in handing out the candy. What are you supposed to give to kids who haven’t even gotten any teeth yet? Plus there’s the pressure of running out of your favorite candy. Those old enough to be in high school, who weren’t even in a costume got the Almond Joys and Whoppers while I reserved Reeses Peanut Butter Cups for those who were legitimate Trick or Treaters. A few kids made the decision easy for me and just reached in to grab what they wanted themselves, at least one asked how many pieces they could have.

I might have been tricked, but overall the holiday tradition is a treat, breast feeders and all.